The Slippery Slope of Soap ~ A political parody

The Slippery Slope of Soap....

Dateline December 2nd, 2011

Soap Industry CEOs have been testifying this week before the Senatorial Under Committee Keeping Everything Regulated. Follows are selected excerpts from these hearings.

Senator Harry Reid, Dem, NV. “Assembled masses, you will remember that two years ago I reminded everyone that the Capitol has been subjected to unreasonably odorous obfuscations from the general public. In fact my exact quote was:

"My staff tells me not to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. In the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it's true."

Now a year hence the Capitol has not, in fact, become less smelly and we hold you, the manufactures of soap to be criminally negligent in this matter, what have you to say for yourselves?

Michael Treschow, Global Chairman of Unilever, “Honorable and esteemed Senator Reid, thank you for allowing me, on behalf of the global soap industry to address this august body today, I will be pleased to report the progress that we have made in our efforts to clean up society’s ills during the past year since the Soap Act of 2010 when we received the generous $10B Senate Oversight Augmentation Providing Select Companies Unearned Money. First, I would like to again thank the committee for their wise foresight to NOT identify this as a bailout, although the exact acronym of this necessary grant proved to be somewhat cumbersome for our industry.

Sect. of Commerce Bill Richardson, “Mr. Treschow, please do not waste the committee’s time, I have already had to re-grow my beard due to the elimination of yours company’s production of Dove soap, the only soap that had been effective on my gentle face, rather than whine about the money we’ve already provided you, why not explain to us what you are actually doing to clean up your act?!”

Treschow, “Thank you, your esteemedness Secretary Richardson, I was hoping to broach this exact issue with you and I will refer you know to Exhibit A, titled, “Don’t Bail Out The Baby With The Bath Water.” To recap, one year ago the soap industry received a Federal Authorization Re-numeration Transfer from this body to assist the soap industry slip through the tight situation that we found ourselves in. For the first time in recent history sales of soap products had been in serious decline and several new and unavoidable events coalesced and precipitated this crisis, they included:

1.) A general desire in the American populace, especially amongst younger consumers to be more European, hence general hygiene and bathing became less frequent.

2.) The very reasonable and understandable generalized hysteria about the dangers of polluted water, the scarcity of water in general and a near non-stop educational push to conserve water resulted in shorter, less frequent showering and bathing, i.e. less soap usage amongst the populace. I refer you to our internal study, chart 1-A on page 5 titled, Personal Environmental Effects, Youth Odors Origins.

3.) An unusually cool summer, obviously a result of Global Warming, combined with the successful obliteration of all P.E. classes in lieu of social indoctrination, I mean, the Whole Health American Citizen Knowledge Education Directives, has resulted in less sweating in general.

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, “Mr. Treschow, you are blathering, something we’ve grown tired of from the soap industry, as I travel around the world I continue to hear that the Ugly American is becoming the Smelly American, we clearly and plainly laid out a path to success for the soap industry a year ago, give us a report on why you need more money, yet again.”

Treschow, “Thank you very generously most benevolent Secretary Clinton I was just getting to that point, but first please allow me to review some facts,

Sect. Clinton, “Make it snappy bucko, some of us have laundry to do.”

Treschow, “Yes, of course... You will recall that a year ago I reported to this committee that our signature product, Dove soap, was suddenly and significantly reporting vastly reduced sales for the above mentioned reasons, the soap industry applied for, and received a grant to avoid a bankruptcy which carried several specific provisos, I refer you to the provisos in your handouts titled, Provisos On Other Pages. Among the conditions was the elimination of our suddenly unprofitable marquis product, Dove soap and a replacement with the Federally mandated alternative soap, Shove. Although I’m quite confident that the Senate has more collective wisdom on how to clean up problems on the consumer level more than the combined years of industry knowledge and research in our industry/

Nancy Pelosi, Dem California, “Excuse me Mr. Treschow, I sense sarcasm in your remarks, as the ranking elected official whose constituents have the largest number of bath houses I would remind you to limit your remarks to the issues of the day.

Treschow, “Yes, yes, of course your honor, I mean, madame Speaker... as I was saying, Dove soap had been in precipitous decline since January of 2009 and linked to our assistance was the requirement that we roll out the alternative cleaning product Shove instead. To review this new product came in a much smaller, more environmentally sensitive capsule only 1/20 the size of our original product and wrapped in post-consumer content brown paper rather that the elaborate shiny paper that was alleged to have been denuding rain forests. You will recall that this committee required that this new product be inserted in citizens nether regions as a means of offsetting individual odors rather than the unnecessary and water resource wasting general habit of entire body lathering that we had, in the words of this committee, conspired with the toothpaste industry with to invite the public to waste water. It brings me no pleasure to report now that in spite of our best marketing efforts to convince the public to forgo wasteful showering and instead inject themselves, non-orally, with Shove capsules that this replacement product has also not been a success and we now require another round of financing to avoid the collapse of our industry.

Senator John McCain, Rep AZ, “Chairman Treschow, my friend, as honorary Chair of Mature Arizonans Demanding More Accountability Now, you can appreciate that the limber contortions that your product requires are tortuous for the average consumer, especially the elderly in our society?”

Treschow, “Yes, yes of course Senator McCain, which is why we lobbied so vigorously for less intrusive measures a year ago.”

McCain, “Then you’ll be pleased to know, my friend, that your government is working well, and working well together and we have devised a Federal solution to this dilemma that will require no further reengineering of the Shove product which we maintain is correct, whether the public appreciates or understands that yet or not, We will be issuing with the next round of General Assistance Social Security payments individual collapsible plungers for insertion of Shove soaps in the privacy of one’s own home. I hold in my hand what looks otherwise like a conductor’s baton, the prototype was an old-fashioned telescoping car radio antenna and I’m pleased to announce that this co-operative effort is yet another collaboration with the beleaguered auto industry for another market for one of their products.”

Senator Reid, “All those in favor of proceeding with this effort raise your right... I mean say “Aye”, the ayes have it, meeting adjourned.”

My election musings...

I am constantly shaking my head about this election cycle and if for nothing more than my own cathartic therapy I'm compelled to record some of my thoughts.

I'll do this in a bullet format as my mind is not always strictly linear.

1.) Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6. What do we know about the 'ways' that Senators McCain and Obama were raised as children? McCain, by his own admission, was a wild young man, but he also enlisted in the military and while he could have, and probably did receive some accommodations based on his father's position, didn't seem to press for favors. While horribly abused and tortured he remained honorable. What do we know of Obama's youth? It is murky at best. Indonesia, Occidental, Ivy League, odd trips to Pakistan, associates from Saudi Arabia, the refusal to produce an original birth certificate.

2.) "I knew this man as a boy/co-worker/neighbor/friend, he's honorable, I trusted him, and you can trust him too." For someone that is constantly beating his chest about being a community organizer, where are these types of character references? He should be brimming over with them.

3.) I think Senator McCain would rather campaign in his style, being less confrontational than is probably warranted and lose than to be voracious and win.

4.) The word racism is so incredibly powerful that it is like kryptonite to white people, it leaves us quivering. It has been completely co-opted, much as the word gay in years past meant a pleasant state of being, but now does not, the word racism is often simply shorthand for a wide palette of actual and perceived insults.

5.) How many people do you know in your life that were born with a Western or Anglo sounding name that changed their name to anything + Mohammed were NOT Muslim? Senator Obama derides anyone for so foolishly opining about his religious tendencies but his background certainly appears to be at LEAST sympathetic to Muslim beliefs.

6.) This man was my spiritual mentor, he married me and my wife and I attended and was active in his church for 20 years.... and I never actual heard his incendiary sermons, but now that I've been made aware of them I rebuke them. Huh?! So we're to believe that somehow, mystically, the OTHER sermons that Obama and his family were in attendance during were benign and un-bombastic? That Reverend Wright was fiery when the Obama's were not there and different where they were in church?

7.) My opinion is that America's heritage of civil liberties, laws, police behavior have in years past been akin to having a large, tough dog in the backyard with a sign on the gate reading, "Beware of Dog". In other words, the dog is known to exist, and if you do something that you shouldn't like trespass or try to steal from the home then you could reasonably know that you would have the dog to contend with. The Patriot Act on the other had feels like the dog in the back has been supplemented with a shadowy dragon lurking in the front yard, invisible to the eye but poised and coiled to strike out at passersby who might fit a profile or just seem odd or different. I don't like the way that the far reaching Patriot Act has encroached on basic American liberties with a govt. that I trust, I REALLY don't like it when these same tools are inherited by later administrations.

8.) Shoebomber Reid has us all doing the sock or barefoot dance at security in airports, or as one uncouth TSA agent told me when wanding me recently, "Make like Jesus" (arms spread out). The rapid expansion of the Homeland Security Department to quickly overtake the size of the State Dept and Coast Guard seems to be a clumsy hammer to try and sway bees with.

9.) In recent days our current President and the Congress have thrown our and our children's money around by the wheelbarrow full, hundreds of billions of dollars, President Bush only gave very, very infrequent press conferences in the past, but he's made 24 addresses now in the past 27 days about the economy. I've heard that the constituent messages back to Congress were running as high as 35 to 1 AGAINST the Big Bailout, but somehow it was passed by Congress. This is Representational Government?! So I had to ask myself, WHY did this still pass? First what is a primary consideration of most elected officials? To be re-elected. Why would a person go against their mail to vote yes for something that their districts were so against? One theory would be that behind closed doors it was revealed that the ACTUAL size/nature of the problem was SO vast that this major surgery was needed just to avert a global panic. Who knows?

10.) Joe Biden can hardly get through a speech without major gaffes, only gaffes is too polite of a word, in recent days he has cited many examples of things from history that simply didn't happen. But what do we hear about? Sarah Palin winked at the camera, we can't trust her. Baloney.

11.) McCain is old it's not a big leap to imagine that the stress of being President could shorten his life, Obama is a minority, and there are some people in America that are truly racist, and every President in my lifetime has been threatened and most of them have had actual attempts on their lives. So, it is prudent to consider the distasteful question... if either party lost the top of their ticket, how would their Vice do? Personally I'll take Governor Palin's freshness, executive experience and track record for bucking her own party in favor of her beliefs over what I see from Senator Biden.

12.) Obama said yesterday in a surprisingly candid remark that he intends to "Spread the wealth around."
This is a common democratic/left frame of mind that sees only a static sized pie that needs to me sliced and sliced and sliced down further until the misery is universal and "fair" for all parties, I think that Democratic thinkers have maligned the Americanism of "all men created equal" to the bastardly understanding of "all men should be whittled down until they are equal, if someone has more it is unquestionably unfair and it is the responsibility of government to tax/coerce/take/acquire or get the 'surplus' wealth from the greedy Peter and redirect it to the disenfranchised Paul.

13.) Ohio has about 8.7 million adults over the age of 18, there are 8.2 million voter registrations in Ohio this year.... Amazing. I mean dubious.

14.) Prediction, IF Obama is the next President, then EVERY time he tries to push an agenda, and it is not universally and unquestionably embraced by all, a charge of racism will be made within the hour, if not sooner.

15.) Senator Obama like to describe himself as black, in fact he is most likely 50% white, 44% arab and 6% black. Not a problem itself, most Americans have a diverse heritage, but I find it odd that he rarely refers to himself as anything other than being a black man.

16.) Why is it that so many groups of people that immigrate to American prosper and Black Americans seems to do less well? I suspect that the Great Society which replaced the need for Black men to stay home and take care of business and replaced them with a subsistence welfare check to their baby's mommas kept these families down and impoverished.

17.) I get to address some of these things because I have a Get Out of Jail card when it comes to racism, I'm happily married to a black woman and it has been explained to me by several of my black friends that this automatically makes me not a racist. I know it sounds odd to me too. I prefer to think that I would be considered by the content of my character rather than the color of my skin...

18.) Why do so many black people tolerate the abusive and belittling labels like soldiers and ho's and playas to describe themselves? Part of it is that they're giving a voice to their anger, and granted, they often have much to be angry about, but the black men and women that have a better message need to also be supported, like Common who has a policy of not being exploitive to women in his videos.

19.) When I see the worlds leaders all quickly convening to try and together decide how to solve global problem I think... deja vu.... where have I seen this before... oh yeah, book of Revelations. Have you ever heard of the explanation of American anti-trust laws? It's said that they're needed because businesses do not often get together in smoke filled rooms, behind closed doors to decide how to best help people.

20.) When did respect of the earth and "dominion over the earth" become warped to mean that in every instance that a real or perceived threat to anything natural could trump any human considerations or private property rights? Is there a more dangerous law on the books for property owners than the endangered species act? That's rhetorical.

21.) If we are not allowed to consider Senator Obama's associations growing up, are we to just assume that his advisors and cabinet members and influencers will all be honorable and forthright?

22.) When you hear people speak and then later they tell you, "No, you heard me wrong, that's not what I said." Do you feel like you're in a Twilight Zone episode?

23.) If Obama is elected and a majority of the Congress is Democrat how long until the offshore drilling allowance is reversed? My prediction, a special session of Congress will be called and the Continental shelf will again be off limits before Thanksgiving.

24.) Young Americans need to put down their ipods and Wii's and study history a bit more, it's one thing to be all starry eyed and chant for change, but when anyone tells you, "I'm giving you a trillion dollars more of goodies, I'm going to spread around the wealth and 95% of you will not pay more taxes...." At LEAST study history for a bit to see if this is even plausible.

25.) How many minority home owners are in homes today that they honestly can't afford, how many of them will now have their notes fully or partially covered by other citizens who were trying to live within their means?

George Washington's Rules of Civility

He wrote this before age 16!

1st Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present.

When you're not alone, show some common courtesy for the people you are with, look at them, don't be aloof, even a simple glance or smile can be a show of decency, but to blow someone off or dis them by not acknowledging them is simply rude.

2nd When in Company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usualy Discovered.

When other people are around, don't be touching or grabbing yourself anywhere private; picking your nose, scratching your privates, pulling out a wedgie, these kinds of things.

3rd Shew Nothing to your Freind that may affright him.

Don't just try to be dramatic and flaunt something like a bleeding scar or an injury, it's distasteful.

4th In the Presence of Others Sing not to yourself with a humming Noise, nor Drum with your Fingers or Feet.

You don't have to be the center of attention all the time, sometimes it's best to be still.

5th If You Cough, Sneeze, Sigh, or Yawn, do it not Loud but Privately; and Speak not in your Yawning, but put Your handkerchief or Hand before your face and turn aside.

It’s rude and unrefined to cough, belch, sneeze and yawn in front of other people. Show some decency, restrain if possible, or at least turn away.

6th Sleep not when others Speak, Sit not when others stand, Speak not when you Should hold your Peace, walk not on when others Stop.

Don’t snooze or even look drowsy when you are a member of an audience of any kind. If there is only one chair and a woman, or older person is there, let them have the seat. If you are on a train or bus and you are sitting and a woman or older person boards, get up and offer them the seat, but don’t knock over other people to do it. Don’t chat just to hear your teeth chip, consider that reasoned thoughtful and considerate speech is often best and many times just shutting up is a good idea too. If you are walking along with someone or a group and part of your group stops don’t just plow ahead, if they stumble, help them, even if they are capable.