Fed Govt vs. FarmVille

Executive Branch targets threat to American Prosperity, Farm Ville

Transcript of White House Press Conference, August 10th, 2010

Good Evening my fellow Americans.  This evening I have a matter of grave and historic importance to apprise you of.  Having now begun my second half century on earth it would be audacious of me to not attend to every imaginable trifling nuisance that might behalf my fellow citizens.  It is the role of government to not merely spread the wealth around, but to also spread the pain around, in the interests of fairness.  For far too long a privileged  few in our society have reaped rewards off the backs of the disenfranchised.  This inequity will not stand on my watch and I fully intend to ensure that every American has an equal portion of pain and suffering and that no group will be exempt from this mutual experience.  While many millions around the world toil in nameless, obscurity Americans for generations have blithely shouldered on enjoying the fruits of others labors.  Some would say that American ingenuity, hard work and perseverance have made a better world, I say it is a dream yet unfilled.  Under my tutelage this potential will be tapped, poured out, shared and given as communion, to the community of man throughout the world, let us herald in a new day, a new beginning.  It is with these noble, epic virtuous plans in mind that I've convened this evening an august body of key advisers that collectively are will be known as the Presidential Executive Czars Keeping Everything Regulated. 

It has come to my attention that the unemployment ratios in the country today, while not sufficiently accounting for millions of jobs that I've actually saved during my tenure, have lagged the actual robust improvements in our economy.  Sure, it's tempting to think that if your family is not working that the economy has not rebounded but it is my role, as your benevolent leader to help you understand that even though I inherited the worst economy since Biblical times and an array of pestilence unheralded in the history of humanity, things are actually looking up.  The vile, corporately malfeasance oil leak in the gulf has been plugged by virtue of our pressure on BP and now I will ensure that several other critical issues are corrected prior to this winter's mid-term election, [excuse me, psst, Rahm, I TOLD you to change that line on the TelePrompTer, it should say prior to my family's vacation, not the mid-term election! ] Where was I?  Oh, yes I see it now...

I've been advised by my outgoing Chair of Economic Advisers that far too many of our fellow citizens have given up on their formerly rigorous job searches opting instead to avail themselves of aggressive pressure on Congress to perpetually extend unemployment benefits while they kick back with their bottles of YooHoo and play Farm Ville on their wide screens and i-phones.  This is simply unacceptable and these energies, this creativity must be tapped for the good of society and Americans need to get back to work.  In coming weeks efforts to harness this wasted energy will become obvious but tonight I've assembled my Council to let you know some of the things that you can anticipate moving forward.

I will introduce each member of the council and they will give you a high level overview of directives, executive orders and other means of coercion and re-education that are being rolled out for your benefit, naturally this is a telecast so there will be no follow-on questions.  Leading off is my Deputy Assistant National Director Environmental Laws Invoking Online Neutrality, Hugh B. Riss.

Thank you Mr. President, It has come to our attention via our surveillance of online activity afforded us by the Patriot Act that far too many Americans are spending untold hours in wasted diversionary entertainment when they could be gainfully employed or at a minimum doing charitable volunteer work.  This resource and bandwidth squandering is simply unacceptable and will be corrected.  In the interests of group safety and with an eye towards future real-world activities we are imposing new corrective measures on these activities.  Effective immediately and retroactive to January 1st, 2010 each crop and animal displayed on a user's Farm on Farm Ville will incur a surcharge of one cent, per item, per day.  This charge will be doubled if the item is deleted or changed and trebled if the item is moved, altered, folded, spindled or mutilated more than three times in any rolling seven day period.  Don't worry about filling out paperwork, by virtue of the government's teamwork with the largest banks and credit card companies and with the cooperation of the Census Department we have you covered, and don't think you can just get in your car and drive away, we're watching you there also.

Thank you Hugh, now let's hear from my gal at the EPA, Lisa? 

Thank you Mr. President, Lisa couldn't make it this evening, she's under the weather, with a touch of carbon dioxide but I'm covering for her, Beaux Lee Hyper from Thibodeux, Lousisana. 

Of course, Beaux, welcome back from the bayou, what can you tell us about the oil spill progress?

Mr. President I'm pleased to report that due to your administration's efforts the sun is shining, bird are returning, turtles are cavorting and the walruses are luxuriating again in the bayou.

Excellent!  now bring us up to speed on what the EPA is doing with Farm Ville.

The EPA stands guard protecting not just Endangered Species but wetlands, forests and all nature of flaura and fauna.  It's come to our attention that Farm Ville users are vastly over cultivating their land and this implants an unrealistically aggressive posture should these same citizens attempt to work real farms in a similar manner.  As you know the EPA has recently pushed to include farm dust as a recognized pollutant and if any real world farms were worked as feverishly as these online farms, I shudder to think of the burden on our air, water and resources.  Effective immediately and retroactive to April 1st, 2010 any plot of land on a Farm Ville Farm that is improved, plowed, planted, harvested, evolved, amended, re-colored, moved or untouched will incur a one cent per day surcharge with proceeds benefiting the Minority Owned Benevolent Landscapers Incorporating New Growers.  

Excellent!  Now let's hear from Commerce, Ms. Hood?

Thank you your honor, I mean Mr. President.  We have determined that the amount of commerce and interstate economic activity generated in Farm Ville activities is on a scale that dwarfs the GDP of more than half the G8 countries.  Russia has suspended wheat exports, Canadian crops received too much water and meanwhile our sedentary citizens churn trillions of dollars in Farm Ville coinage and Experience Points while not actually experiencing anything meaningful.  I'd like to take a moment to extend kudos from our office to the office of the First Lady in our efforts to help get these kids off their posteriors and become actively active again. 

Thank you, I'll let Michelle know when she gets back from Spain.  But what are we doing about it?

Effective immediately, and retroactive to April 15th, 2010 each one dollar of FarmVille coinage earned, saved or spent in any transaction will incur a 1% surcharge in legal tender, spend a FarmVille dollar and a penny will be automatically transferred from the users' personal checking and or savings account to the cooperative fund administered by the Bipartisan Landscape Administration Collective Knowledge Helping Oversee Legal Enforcement.

Thank you Robyn for that update, now to close us out, let's hear from our illustrious Secretary of State, my former foil and potentially future number two, your friend and mine, Secretary Hillary Clinton, Madame Secretary, if you please.

Thank you Barack, but the bow is unnecessary, really.  As you know I'm just back from the far corners of the earth where our diplomatic efforts are bearing fruit and I've got a whole load of plowshares on my plane that need a home.  If your plane is not being used by your dog, perhaps we can get them delivered....

Ahem, continue please.

My fellow Americans, I've been hard at work, mending fences, making treaties, rattling sabers and throwing rice, but one thing I know, while American children and ne'er do well layabouts in this country are playing Farm Ville most of the rest of the world would be happy to have actual clean water, crops to grow and eat and a nice puppy to play with.  You want Hope?  You want Change?  We're tired of hoping you'll change, and so we're bringing the change to you.  Any Farm Ville users found to be spending in excess of 40 hours week for six or more consecutive weeks on this Game will automatically be enrolled in AmeriCorps and be assigned real world domestic work on a farm or cooperative in rural America.  This will serve the dual purpose of lessening the attraction for undocumented workers from abroad taking American jobs and increase tax rolls for the Greater Good of the Society.  Any user found to be engaging in a foreign language, such as "Ola" or "Bon Jour" while playing Farm Ville will be understood to be requesting service with an international posting as determined by the State Department, we need folks especially in Afghanistan and Iraq who are good with their hands and have time on their hands.  We will be in touch.  Any student who becomes delinquent on their Federally funded Student Loans will have the option of either a domestic or international posting, we'll let you know where you will be going.  Imagine the joy of Seeing the World while helping your country.  As an aside, the top users of Mafia Wars will be inducted into service with the CIA for some vital but less public assignments that we have a need for also.

Wow, thank you Ms. Clinton, that's enough now.  So that's it for tonight folks, remember your government is working for you.  Don't worry about where to bank, who will carry your house note, who will build your car, what job you should do or how you should spend your leisure time, remember, we're here always looking out for you.

God Bless America and Good Night,

So Swear I

I AM A MAN OF ACTION, I AM ADVENTUROUS, I AM AGGRESSIVE, I AM ALIVE, I AM AMOROUS, I AM ARDUOUS IN MY PURSUITS, AND ASSERTIVE IN MY ACTIVITIES, I AM ATHLETIC, I AM ATTENTIVE TO THAT WHICH IS IMPORTANT, I LIVE MY LIFE IN AN AUDACIOUS MANNER.

I AM BAD – IN THE GOOD WAY, I AM BALLSY WITH CONFIDENCE, I AM BOLD IN MY ACTIONS, I AM THOUGHT OF AS A BOY SCOUT BECAUSE I AM PREPARED, I AM BRASH WITH CONFIDENCE, I AM BRAVE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY, I AM BRAZEN AND I STAND UP AGAINST EVIL, I AM BRILLIANT BECAUSE I THINK CAREFULLY, I AM BULLETPROOF AGAINST THE MEMORY OF THE MY PREVIOUS FRAGILITIES, I AM BUOYANT WITH EXPECTATION OF BETTER THINGS AHEAD.

I EMBRACE CHALLENGES, I CHARGE THROUGH LIFE WITH GUSTO, I AM FULL OF CHARM, I PRESEVE THE TEMPLE OF MY BODY AND KEEP IT CHISELED, I AM CLASSY IN MY PERSONAL CONDUCT, I AM CLEVER WITH WIT BUT NOT FOOLISH NOR FLIPPANT, I AM JUDICIOUSLY COMMITTED TO A FEW VITAL CONCEPTS, I AM CONFIDENT IN MY MIND, I AM COOL UNDER PRESSURE AND I AM COURAGEOUS THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.

I CHOOSE TO DANCE, EVERY DAY, WITHOUT CARE AND WITH ABANDON, I AM DARING IN MY THOUGHTS AND DEEDS, I AM PERCEIVED TO BE DASHING, I AM DAUNTLESS AND STRONG, I AM DECISIVE AND CONFIDENT IN MY OPINIONS, I DEFEND HONOR, I AM DEFINITE WITH MY ACTIVITIES, I AM DELIBERATE IN WHAT I DO, FOR NOTHING IS RANDOM, I AM DETERMINED TO CONTINUE TO IMPROVE MYSELF, DAILY IN A MYRIAD OF WAYS, I AM DYNAMIC AND I LIVE MY LIFE ON PURPOSE.

I RECOGNIZE THAT MY OWN EGO AND THE CULTIVATION OF IT HAS MERIT, I PURPORT MYSELF WITH ÉLAN, I AM ELIGIBLE AND WORTHY OF LOVE, I EMBRACE LIFE AND GREET OTHERS IN AN EXPANSIVE AND DELIBERATE WAY, SHAKING HANDS FIRMLY, WITH KEEN AND CONSTANT EYE CONTACT, I AM FULL OF ENERGY, I AM ENTHUSED ABOUT MY LIFE AND THE PROSPECTS OF BOTH TODAY AND TOMORROW AND REBUKE THE TEMPTATION TO WALLOW IN THE PAST, I AM ERUDITE IN MY DICTION AND PROSE, I AM EXHILARATING TO BOTH MYSELF AND OTHERS, I AM EXHUBERANT ABOUT A THOUSAND LITTLE THINGS EVERY DAY, I WILL CONTINUE TO NOTICE AND APPRECIATE THE DAILY MIRACLES AND WONDERS THAT COURSE THROUGH MY LIFE, I AM EYE-CATCHING BECAUSE I AM CONFIDENT.

I LOOK AT MYSELF AND SAY, “YOU ARE FABULOUS,” AND I BELIEVE IT, I AM FAITHFUL TO A FEW KEY PRECEPTS BUT AM JUDICIOUS WITH WHAT IS VITAL AND TRUE, FOR NOT EVERYTHING IS, I AM FEARLESS AND THE POISON OF MY PAST FAILURES IS BEHIND ME, IT BINDS ME NO LONGER, I AM FIT AND ATTENTIVE TO MY PHYSICAL SELF, I COMPORT MYSELF WITH A SENSE OF FLAIR, I DRESS, ACT AND CARRY MYSELF WELL, I AM FLAMBOYANT WIHOUT BEING PRISSY, I AM FORMIDABLE AND WALK AND SATND ERECT, I NEITHER SHUFFLE NOR SLOUCH, MY ESSENCE IS ONE OF FORTE, I AM FORTHRIGHT, I SPEAK THE TRUTH WHEN NEEDED BUT DON’T SPEAK JUST TO HEAR MY OWN VOICE, I AM FORWARD FOCUSED, NOT LOOKING BACKWARDS, I LEARN FROM THE PAST AND MOVE ON.

I AM GALLANT, I AM A TRUE GENTLEMAN, I GO AFTER THAT WHICH IS PRECIOUS TO ME, I’VE GOT GAME, I AM GRAND IN MY WOKS, NOT TIMID OR SMALL, I THINK AND LIVE LARGE, I AM GRANDIOSE WITHOUT BEING ARROGANT, I AM GREGARIOUS TO THOSE WHO HAVE BOTH PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL NEEDS, I AM GUNG-HO ABOUT MY LIFE, TODAY AND TOMORROW, I HAVE GUTS.

I AM HANDSOME, AND IT BEGINS INSIDE ME, I AM HARDY AND STOUT, MY LIFE IS IN HARMONY, I AM HELL-BENT TO DO THE RIGHT THING, I AM A HERO TO MYSELF FIRST AND BY EXTENSION TO OTHERS, I AM HIGH-SPIRITED AND BOLD, I CHOOSE THE EXCITING PATH, NOT THE SAFEST PATH, I AM HONEST AND TRUSTWORTHY, I AM HONORABLE, HOT-BLOODED AND PASSIONATE, I AM A HUNK.

I AM AS COOL AS ICE WHEN NECESSARY WITH A CALM RESERVE THAT IS APPEALING, I AM IMPASSIONED ABOUT THOSE FEW THINGS IN LIFE THAT HAVE MERIT, I AM IMPRESSIVE, I AM IMPULSIVE, RATHER THAN ENDLESSLY SLOW OR METHODICAL, I AM INDOMITABLE, I CHOOSE TO CHARGE THROUGH LIFE WITH BOLDNESS, MY CONVICTINS AND CONFIDENCE ARE INERBRIATING, I AM INTELLIGENT AND WISE BECAUSE I TRAIN MY MIND AND APPLY WISDOM, I AM INTERESTING TO MYSELF AND THOSE AROUND ME, I AM INTREPID AN EAGER TO EXPLORE AND EXPERIENCE NEW THINGS.

I AM JAZZED ABOUT ALL LIFE HAS TO OFFER, I AM A JOCK AND ENJOY THE ENDORPHIN RUSH OF ATHLETIC ACTIVITY, I CHOOSE TO JOUST RATHER THAN MERELY OBSERVE OR RECOIL, I AM JOVIAL AND NOT PRONE TO SADNESS, I AM FULL OF JOY AND INDUCE JOY IN THOSE AROUND ME, I AM JUBILANT ABOU THE DAY, I AM JUICED WITH CONFIDENCE, TESTOSERONE AND ABILY, I JUMP RATHER THAN SHUFFLE, I UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO “JUST DO IT.” I AM JUST RIGHT.

IAM KEEN IN MY THOUGHTS, I AM A KEEPER, I AM KNOWN FOR KINDNESS, I AM ACTIVE AND KINETIC, NOT SEDENTARY, I AM THE KING OF MY DOMAIN, I HOLD FRIENDS AND FAMILY AS A PRECIOUS KINSHIP, I KISS WELL,  I AM KNOWLDEGABLE ABOUT MANY THNGS AND KNOW THAT I DON’T KNOW EVERTHING, I AM A KNOCKOUT.

I AM A LEADER, I CHOOSE TO LEAP RATHER THAN CRAWL, I AM AS LIGHTNING, SWIFT, BOLD AND DELIBERATE, I AM LION-HEARTED, I AM LITHE OF BODY, I AM LOUD WHEN NEEDED, ABLE TO YELL WHEN YELLING IS REQUIRED AND NOT BASHFUF OF THE SOUND OF MY OWN VOICE, MY VOICE IS A TOOL AT MY COMMAND, I LOVE WELL, I AM LOVELY, FROM THE INSIDE OUT, I AM A LOVER IN THE BEST SENSE OF THE WORD, I AM LUSTY AND INVIGORATED.

I AM MACHO, I AM MAGNETIC, AND THIS RESONATES FROM MY CONFIDENCE, I AM MAGNIFICENT AND MANLY, I BELIEVE THAT I BOTH AM AND LOOK, “MAH-VELOUS”, I AM MASCULINE AND MASTERFUL,WITH WHAT I DO, I MEND MYSELF AND THINGS WITH CONFIDENCE AND SELF ASSUREDNESS, I AM MIGHTY, I AM MUSCULAR.

I HAVE LEARNEDTO BE NEAT, MY SPRIT IS ALLURING AND NECTAUROUS, I NEVER SAY DIE, I AM NERVY AND NICE, I AM NIMBLE IN BOTH MOVEMENT AN INTELLECT, I AM BOTH NOBLE AND NONCHALANT, I AM NUTS ABOUT THE FEW THINGS THAT ARE DEAR TO ME.

I AM KEELY OBSERVANT OF LIFE AROUND ME, ATTENTIVE TO THOSE I LOVE WITHOUT BEING SMOTHIEG, I AM OK, WHEN PEOPLE THINK OF ME – THEY THINK “OLD FAITHFUL” AND ARE CONFIDENT IN ME, I AM OPPORTUNISITC WITH LIFE AND CHOOSE NOT TO DITHER BUT TO EMRACE CHANCES BOLDY, I AM OPTIMISTC THAT I WILL SUCCEED, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, I AM A GREAT ORATOR, IAM ORDERLY AND ORGANIZED, I AM ORIGINAL WITH MY OWN IDEAS AND THINK FOR MYSELF, I HEAR THE SOUNDS OF OVATION FREQUENTLY, I AM OVERJOYED WITH THE PROSPECT OF EVERY NEW DAY.

I AM PASSIONATE, I PERSEVERE MIGHTILY, I AM PERSUASIVE AND CONFIDENT AND INSPIRE THESE QUALITIES IN OTHERS, I AM POISED AND POSITIVE OF MIND, I AM POTENT AND POWERFUL, I PROTECT BOTH MYSELF AND THOSE AROUND ME, I AM PROUD BUT NOT HAUGHTY, I AM PUPOSEFUL WITH MY ACTIONS DO NOT LOITER OR WASTE TIME.

I AM QUALIFIED TO BE SUCCESSFUL AND TO BE LOVED, I HAVE MANY EXCELLENT QUALITIES, I AM ON A LIFE-LONG QUEST FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT, IN MYSELF FIRST AND TO INSPIRE EXCELLENCE AND GOOD THINGS IN OTHER PEOPLE, I AM QUICK, I AM QUICK-WITTED AND GET ENOUGH SLEEP TO KEEP MY MIND SHARP, I HAVE QUICKENED MYSELF TO MAXIMIZE MY TIME AND ENERGY, I AM THE QUINTESSENTIAL GENTLEMAN, MY WORDS ARE WISE, MEASURED AND QUOTABLE.

I AM RASH, RATHER THAN DEFERENTIAL, I CHOOSE TO RAVISH MY WAY THROUGH LIFE, NOT SHUFFLE, I AM READY FOR EACH DAY AND ANTICIPATE GREAT THINGS, I AM RECKLESS WITH ABANDON, KNOWING THAT SOME THINGS WILL NOT WORK, BUT TRYING MANY THINGS TO IMPROVE MY ODDS, I AM RED-BLOODED, I AM RESILIENT IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY, I AM RESOLUTE IN MY CONVICTIONS, I TAKE RISKS, I AM ROBUST AND FULL OF LIVE, I AM ROCK-RIBBED AND ABSORB BLOWS THAT WOULD HAVE PREVIOUSLY FELLED ME.

I AM SECURITY, TO MYSELF FIRST AND THOSE AROUND ME ALSO, PEOPLE ARE SAFE IN MY COMPANY, I PROVIDE FOR WELL BEING AND SAFETY TO THOSE AROUND ME, I AM SMOOTH WHEN APPROPRIATE BUT NOT MISLEADING IN MY BEHAVIOUR, I AM COMPLETELY SELF-ASSURED IN MY THOUGHTS AND DEEDS, I AM SOLID, I STAND TALL AND ERECT, I AM STATUESQUE AND FEEL THE FULL MEASURE OF MY BEING, I AM AWARE OF MY SPACE, I AM STRONG, I AM A STUD, I HAVE STYLE AND GRACE IN AN UNDERSTATED ABSTRACT WAY, I AM SURE OF MYSELF, I SWAGGER THOUGH LIFE.

I TAKE CHARGE OF MY LIFE, I AM TALENTED IN MANY, MANY AWAY.  I AM  TANNED AND TONED, I AM TENACIOUS WITH THOSE THINGS THAT ARE DEAR TO ME, I CHOOSE TO BE THRILLED AND TO BE THRILLING, MY LIFE INCLUDES A GREAT DEAL OF EXCITEMENT, I AM AS THUNDER, AM TIRELESS IN MY PURSUITS, I AM TOUGH, I AM TURGID WITH BLOOD PUMPING THROUGH ME ENABLING ME TO EXPERIENCE LIFE WITH A STRONG, FLUID, CONFIDENT POISE, I LIVE MY LIFE WITH TWO FISTS, NOT FEELBENESS.

I AM UNABASHED WITH CONFIDENCE, I AM UNAFRAID BUT AWARE OF RISKS, I AM UNDAUNTED BY PAST FAILURES, AND SEE THEM FOR WHAT THEY WERE, LEARING EXPERIENCES, I AM UNFLAPPABLE AND UNFLINCHING, I AM UNHESITATING WHEN SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE, I AM UNSTOPPABLE WHEN COMMITED.  I THINK UP, NORTH, BETTER, STRONGER, FURTHER, FASTER, I AM UPBEAT.

MY LIFE IS FULL OF AND DEFINED BY VALOR, MY LIFE AND MY OPINON AND ACTIONS ARE FULL TO THE BRIM WITH VALUE, I VANQUISH MY FOES AND THE HAUNTING OF BAD MEMORIES, I VENTURE FORWARD AND EMBRACE CHALLENGES, I AM VICTORIOUS, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, I AM VIGOROUS IN EVERYHTING I DO AND THINK, I AM VIRILE AND FULL OF LIFE, I AM VITAL, TO MYSELF AND EVERY GROUP THAT I AM ASSOCIATED WITH, I CHOOSE TO LIFE IN A VIVACIOUS WAY, MY LIFE, THOUGHTS, DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS AND EXPECTATIONS ARE ALL VIVID AND INTENSE.

I AM A WARRIOR, PREPARED TO FITGHT TO THE DATH TO DEFEND HONOR AND PROTECT AND KEEP SECURE THOSE I LOVE, I AM WELL BUILT AND I PRESERVE MY MIND AND BODY, I AM WILD, I WIN, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, WHEN I THINK OF MY LIFE, I REFLECT ON THE PAST AND PRESENT WINS AND ANTICIPATE MANY FUTURE WINS, I AM WIRY AND WONDERFUL, MY LIFE IS A WONDEROUS AND THRILLING PROSPECT, I AM WORKED UP AND EXCITED ABOUT MY LIFE.

I AM WORTHY.
SO SWEAR I

Right or Wrong.... Any questions?

I've often thought that the one who controls the language, controls the debate... a few examples, my grandfather would have thought that someone who was Gay was merry, someone who prefers not to have to deal with a pregnancy refers to themselves as Pro-Choice, and left leaning socialist types prefer the label Progressive.  So, rather than piss and moan about it, I decided to consider what is already THERE in English expressions that contain the simple words, LEFT and RIGHT. 

See if you notice any trends... hee hee

A bit of all RIGHT
A God-given RIGHT
Acknowledge to be RIGHT
Be RIGHT minded
All RIGHT
All RIGHTee then
All RIGHT already!
Am I RIGHT?
Be on the RIGHT track
Be RIGHT in the head
Be RIGHT with you
Catch dead to RIGHTS
Customer is always RIGHT
Dead to RIGHTS
Do RIGHT by someone
Do it RIGHT or don’t do it at all
Dudley Do-Right
Everything’s going to be all RIGHT
Get off on the RIGHT foot
Give one’s RIGHT arm
Go in the RIGHT direction
God’s in Heaven; all’s RIGHT with the world
Head screwed on RIGHT
Heart’s in the RIGHT place
Hit the RIGHT note
I’ll get RIGHT on it
In the RIGHT
Make the RIGHT noises
Might makes RIGHT
Mr. RIGHT 
On the RIGHT foot
Play your cards RIGHT
Pressing all the RIGHT buttons
RIGHT side of the law
RIGHT as rain
RIGHT place at the RIGHT time Go down the RIGHT alley
RIGHT to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, freedom of speech, expression, assembly, privacy, right to bear arms and RIGHT to vote
RIGHT in the kisser
RIGHT on!
RIGHT hand man
RIGHT-of-way
RIGHTeous
Set things RIGHT
Sit up RIGHT
Step RIGHT up

and....

Be LEFT hanging in midair
Be LEFT holding the bag
Be LEFT holding the baby
Elvis has LEFT the building
Have two LEFT feet
I LEFT my heart in San Francisco
LEFT out
LEFT overs
LEFT behind
LEFT for dead
LEFT handed compliment
LEFT by the side of the road
LEFT to one’s own devices
LEFT a wake of destruction in it’s path
LEFT hand doesn’t know what the RIGHT hand is doing
LEFT in the lurch
Out in LEFT field
Things better LEFT unsaid

February 2010 Quiz Answers
This or That???

1. Hammer, Stirrup, Anvil and Scythe
Parts of the human ear
Blacksmith's tools or implements
Things associated with a horse & rider
Things that might be found in a barn
If you have a scythe in your ear... you've got a MAJOR problem!

2. Ferrous sulphate, Mono and diglycerides, Dextrin and Sorbic acid
Some of the approximately 30 ingredients in a Twinkie
Some of the ingredients in Head and Shoulders shampoo
Ingredients in Spectracide Fire Ant Killer
Items banned by FDA for human consumption

3. Symbolically what do these countries all have in common? Canada, Austria, Monaco, Japan and Indonesia?
NATO membership
National Day celebrated in July
Flag colors
Ruled by a monarchy
National flag for all of these countries has the colors Red and White, only.

4. Base wide, Canter, Flying change, Impulsion, Longe line, Numnah, Paddock, Quirt and Volte
Weather phenomena
Matters equine
Gourmet cooking
Dancing maneuvers

5. Hannah, Abigail, Lucretia, Ida and Mary
Biblical women's names
US First ladies' names
Among 1,000 most popular baby names US 2009
Hurricane names within past 75 years

6. Zachary, Malik, Jax, Abraham and Maximus
Among 1,000 most popular baby names US 2009
Hurricane names within past 75 years
Biblical male names
US Vice President's middle names

7. Moon Bows, Glories, Belt of Venus, St. Elmo's Fire and Sun Pillars
Things you might see in the sky
Names of alternative rock bands
From mythology, things Zeus could use when upset
Names of Japanese confections and sweets

8. Aspirator, Zoophagous agents, Sphygmomanometers and Infusion pump
Soil cultivation devices
Computer graphic artist tools
Medical devices
Irrigation tools

9. Sole, Tongue, Shank and Hocks
Parts of a shoe
Sold by a butcher
Parts of a trailer
Words associated with locksmith

10. Caracal, Kodkod, Margay and Serval
Formerly important trade cities that no longer exist
Pungent tropical flowers
Types of small sea vessels
Species of wild cats

11. Vomer, Coccyx, Maxilla and Ulna
Named paints in Sherman-Williams list of 50,000 available blends
Celestial objects orbiting Jupiter
Human bones
Obscure Hindu Deities

12. Wax, Turgid, Tumescent, Tumid
Words associated with fullness
Cleaning and abrasive products
Words associated with the craft of candle making
Phases and/or conditions of the appearance of the moon

January 2010 Quiz Answers

Whirling Dervishes?

1. Religious Sema ceremony in remembrance of God as practiced by the Mawlawi

2. Cosmic vortices that spin around periphery of black holes
3. Severe back currents or eddies during floods

4. Visible wingtip vortices in certain atmospheric conditions
Video link and explanation on YouTube at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWARMM8i6x8&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Deepest lake in the world.
1. Crater Lake, Oregon, United States
2. Lake Baikal, Siberia, Russia
3. Mariana Trench, Pacific Ocean
4. Lake Titicaca, Bolivia-Peru border, South America

Lake Baikal, a true gem, the world's deepest lake, and crystal clear water, here is a nice gallery of pictures:  

http://www.magicbaikal.com/baikal-photos.php



What do these four countries have in common?  Albania, Chad, Liechtenstein and Paraguay.
1. They are all landlocked
2. They each have a monarchy
3. Their native language is unique to their country
4. Still waiting for their first Olympic medal


It's 9:00 am local time in Beijing and the Premier calls a local official in the extreme Western city of Kashi, 2,726 driving miles to the west.  What time is it in Kashi where the call in answered?
1. 5:30 am local time in Kashi
2. 6:00 am local time in Kashi
3. 7:00 am local time in Kashi
4. 9:00 am local time, just like Beijing, in Kashi
There is only one time zone in the entire country of China, they're ALL on Beijing time.


What do these have in common?  Winnie the Poo, pizza, The Virginia B. Fairbanks Art & Camp; Nature Park and hectare?
1. All won awards in 2009 for being favorites of pre-teens
2. 100 acres
3. Each incorrectly assumed to have domestic origin
4. Nothing in common, trick question, just to spice things up

Winnie the Poo lives in the 100 Acre Wood, 

Americans eat 100 acres of pizza daily

The entire name of this park is the 100 acre Virginia B. Fairbanks Art & Camp

and a hectare is simply... 100 acres


Highest mountain, from base on Earth?1.
1. Mt. Everest
2. K2
3. Mauna Kea
4. Mt. Kilimanjaro
From it's base on the floor of the Pacific Ocean, Mauna Kea part of the Big Island of Hawai'i is far and away the tallest and largest mountain on earth. 


Which best approximates speed of tectonic plate drift?
1. Recognized growth of formal upright Bonsai trees
2. Rate of fingernail growth
3. Maple tree sap drip at 40 degrees F
4. Typical starfish crawl speed


A rain shower falls on the Giant's Range of mountains in St. Louis County, Northern Minnesota... where is the runoff "headed"?
1. Northerly, out of the United States to Hudson's Bay in Canada
2. East to the Atlantic and South to the Gulf of Mexico
3. Both North and South runoffs
4. All three, North, East and Southerly runoffs


What family does bamboo fall into?
1. Grass family
2. Creepers and Climbers
3. Herb family
4. Barkless Family


Green Flash?
1. Street slang for the quick reveal of a large wad of bills, normally bound in a roll
2. Title character of a Marvel Comic book hero in development for feature film
3. An optical phenomena that is periodically viewed shortly after sunset or before sunrise
4. A political movement in Eastern Europe as an alternative to historic political parties.

A good explanation in plain English here:

http://mintaka.sdsu.edu/GF/

My sons....

Austin, Alex, Nick, Adam Jr. and Valor ... my sons the pride of my life.

Adam's current resume, last updated Jan 2010

Adam David Johnson
Eastern time zone ~ United States
adam_peace_harmony2006@yahoo.com
SALES AND BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT
High performing B2B sales specialist offering more than 8 years of stellar experience strategically utilizing acute business acumen to drive multi-million dollar sales efforts throughout multiple markets
Creative thinker and results-orientated professional with proven track record delivering consultative services and value-based solutions to improve processes, increase effectiveness, drive the growth of products and services and ensure the highest level of service
Innovative communicator who has interacted with major decision makers, melding operations to improve quality
Accomplished public speaker and facilitator of information
CORE COMPETENCIES
Driving Sales / Selling Features and Benefits Time Management
Account Management Creating Strategic Marketing Plans
Business Development Product Launches / Brand Awareness
Client Relationship Development / Networking Coordinating Promotions
Assessing Client Needs / Requirements Understanding Competition
Product Knowledge Creative Promotions
Developing Sales Proposals Analyzing Sales Data
Conducting Sales Presentations Writing Reports
Creating and Delivering Value Organizing and Conducting Meetings
Attaining Commitments Management of Special Projects
CAREER PATH
AIRLINES REPORTING CORPORATION (ARC) – Houston, Texas Nov 2005 – Jun 2008
(A $77 billion airline-owned company, ARC is the information hub and leading provider of a broad-based portfolio of services to the travel industry. Headquartered in Virginia, ARC was expanding and a new position was created in Houston in 2005.
Business Development Manager
Drove sales of customized data source, fraud and competitive reporting solutions for pilot data analysis product
Earned Top Sales out of 7 business development managers, achieving as high as 266% of annual plan in 2007
Negotiated contracts ranged $20,000 - $1.5 million, buying cycles averaged 9 – 12 months
Built a pipeline by expertly managing up to 21 major accounts, including American Airlines, Continental Airlines, Southwest Airlines, Aeromexico Airlines and Jet Airways
Laid the groundwork for a $10 million per year contract with one of the largest US carriers (2 years in negotiations and close to finalization with 95% of legwork completed for the sale – would have boosted year-to-date performance to 300% of plan
Communicated with directors of sales and sales development on the client level, and with international vendors
Assisted clients in managing the transition to new data sources (affecting between 15-20 departments including sales, reservations, revenue accounting and marketing) conducted hand-on training, providing a better degree of precision and improved forecasting abilities
CONTINENTAL AIRLINES – Houston, Texas Feb 1987 – Nov 2005
National Corporate Manager
Managed a portfolio of 13 major corporate accounts, generating $685 million in annual sales in 2005 (contracts ranged from $50,000 to $12 million)
Built a trust based relationship with largest client, Halliburton, securing $36 million 3-year contract
Communicated with procurement directors / managers and human resource directors
Hosted various social events to promote business
Held various positions throughout career including Regional Corporate Manager – coached 15 sales managers throughout the Southeast Region of the U.S. on how to sell a totally new product directly to corporations
SALES TRAINING
Power of Understanding Breakthrough Sales Strategies
7 Habits of Highly Effective People Marketing
Advanced Selling Skills Sales Negotiation Workshop
Effective Sales Presentations
EDUCATION
TRINITY WESTERN UNIVERSITY – Langley, British Columbia, Canada
Associate of Arts Degree
INTERNATIONAL AIR ACADEMY – Vancouver, Washington
Certification received
COMPUTER SKILLS
Microsoft Office (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Outlook)
In-house Customer Relationship Management (CRM) Applications
Other details about my life’s experiences
In addition to the jobs highlighted previously Adam also held multiple other positions with Continental Airlines including: Reservations and General Sales, OnePass Service Center; Agent, Domestic, International and Mailroom, OnePass Gold Elite Private Line agent, Telemarketing Sales Agent, Flight Attendant, Outside Sales and Service Specialist, Houston Area Manager, SE Regional Manager, Regional Corporate Manager and National Corporate Sales Manager
Adam has also lived in three countries, biked solo across the United States, flown hundreds of trips both domestically and internationally, spent time in 49 states, traveled to dozens of countries, raised four sons, created forms, business contracts and presentations from scratch, created replacement incentive programs with improved ROI over company issued plans, and had many other wide ranging jobs and experiences. Follows are highlights from some of the life experiences and jobs I’ve held that have each contributed to my skills, knowledge base and general aptitudes today.
From the age I could reach the family telephone I fielded calls for my father’s own business as a Farrier, learned how to properly talk with people over the phone
First formal job, picking strawberries age 12, learned about hot, hard work
Next job, picking acorns age 13, learned the value of streamlining movements
Age 14 and 15, working on a farm in Yacolt, Washington, clearing hay fields, pulling tansy ragwort, cleaning out stables, weeding and general labor, more general lessons about hard work
Age 16, had my own business doing landscaping, yard clearing, roof cleaning, pool cleaning, my want ad read…”Anything but babysitting.” I routinely was paid more than I asked for, learned value of how to get along with people and carefully understand a job
Worked in a jeans store, Mr. Rags, Ltd and Meryvns, both in Vancouver Mall, Vancouver, WA
Assistant Youth Pastor, Charter Oak Evangelical Free Church, Battleground, WA
Warehouseman and truck loader for Frito-Lay, Inc. For my own edification found method of loading many trucks in an 8-12 hour shift without ever turning off the conveyor belt, lessons on efficiency of motions and how to streamline work. This job, over multiple summers, paid for my college
Also worked briefly in a lumber mill pulling green lumber, working table saw, appreciation for hot, humid, sticky work
Spent a year in Venezuela during High School while my parents were missionaries. Attended school with other American expats
Hot tar roofer, late teens, stoking hot tar kettle, clearing high and steep roofs and repairing them and working a hot tar mop, value of careful work and attention to detail, if you slip on a 60’ roof it’s a long way down
Technician for Union Carbine harvesting silicone rods in a reactor, working with some of the most pristine and cleanest products our attention to detail insured that the harvested rods, bound for Japan for processing we uncontaminated to a fraction less than 0.00001%. Together with team reduced turnaround time from 6 hours to less than 3
After earning my Associate of Arts Degree from Christian Liberal Arts School, Trinity Western I took a sabbatical from working and after saving $3,000 rode a bicycle solo across the United States.
After the bike trip in 1986 I enrolled in an trade school; International Air Academy in Vancouver, Washington and parlayed this into a job with Continental Airlines
With Continental Airlines I progressed from an entry level job in 1987 paying $5.55/hr to an eventual job as a Global Business Development Manager in 2005 paying $62K/year. Between the two were nearly 15 various jobs as I progressed upward through the company
In 2005 I resigned from Continental and took a position with Airlines Reporting Corporation
After ARC I worked a variety of jobs from my home in Houston while assisting my wife in raising our newborn baby, my fifth son
These jobs included marketing and warm calling, home sales of water treatment systems
Working as an enumerator with the US Census Bureau, canvassing 5,000 homes in 5 weeks
Working as an overnight rescue driver for AAA helping stranded motorists with flat tires, dead batteries, lockouts and other minor emergencies
Working as an overnight stocker for HEB foods in Houston and ad hoc Stock Controller overseeing team of 8 – 12 stockers during overnight shifts when regular managers were absent
Drove a taxicab as an independent contractor in/around greater Houston
In summary, I have done a vast array of jobs, both blue and white collar, indoors, outdoors, worked solo and as part of a team, I’ve been an employee, an independent business operator, working in union and non-union shops and have found ways to streamline and improve processes everywhere I’ve worked. I get along with people well, I know how to work hard, how to sell and I’m both creative and diplomatic.

Currently I spend time as a concierge and FedEx delivery driver in Virginia.